yOni.com, for me, has been an experiment in feminine creativity.
I have been sitting with a question for some years now.
The daughter of a man with a brilliant mind, I am grateful for an excellent education in the rational, logical paradigm. I followed my father's footsteps in to the academic world, though studiously avoiding the discipline in which he excelled, and later switched to a career in the corporate arena where I created excellent jobs and dreadful bosses. I was successful. I am intelligent. I excel in organizational skills. I taught people how run their computers and their businesses, to 'manage their time', to 'present themselves', I taught them how to work more effectively and how to create the results they want in the world. I was proud of making it in a 'man's world'.
But I didn't feel good.
I wasn't at home.
Not just literally, although I hardly ever did spend time in my physical home. I mean I was always looking out for something to fulfill me. I was not at home in myself. I was hardly in touch with a whole area of my being, my feeling nature, my intuition, my body ..... my feminine. There was a great sense of longing in me, one which I usually projected out onto others to be fulfilled. I had no time to be with myself, to nurture my inner self . I was too caught up in doing something that had to be done.
So, the fates handed me the opportunity to take a fresh look at things. I got the sack. And with it came a great redundancy deal and a lucrative contract to do the work I would have been doing, at consultants rates! I worked for six weeks, pocketed $20K and jumped on a plane to India.
I then did very little for a number of months.
During this time the question started to come up.
'What is the feminine way of creating?'
Too much time in the active, driven, go-getting, left-brain, way of getting things done simply burns me out. What is the feminine way of making things happen in the world?'
Two experiences have begun to provide me with answers to this question:
Several years ago I moved to Byron Bay and joined a group of women singers. We call ourselves The Voices of Gaia and we sing our own original material in a variety of styles. I was thrilled to be part of the group but before long I decided that I really needed to help them 'get things organised'. I started to put a lot of energy into things like grant applications, rehearsal schedules and finally a huge performance event which I managed to feel as if I was carrying entirely on my shoulders. I became very frustrated with the other women who seemed to lack focus and commitment. I nearly left several times, and after the big show.... guess what....? I was totally burnt out.
Finaly I was quite sure that it was time for me to leave. Enough is enough. I want to work only with focused committed people...
.....not this bunch of stupid women.
The thought pulled me up in my tracks.
Hello.. this is Laura-Doe's inner misogynist calling. Do you realise darling that you subscribe wholeheartedly to the view that women can't get things together. So much for your 'Question'!
I went to sleep on it. The next day was to be my final day with the group.
In the morning I woke with a new song in my head. Life Blood. A song in celebration of women's blood..
Honour your rythmn, honour the flow
Love your creation, learn to let go.
The words of the chorus floated round my head. It felt like a song that was designed for this group of women to sing. More importantly ....it was a strong message to me. Let go, go with the flow, relax. That is the feminine way.
That was the last time that I have wanted to leave. Since then we have recorded two thirds of a new CD. It has taken it's time but it has happened, and it has been pretty stress free and enjoyable. I find I am often the one now who, when we seem to be banging our heads against a brick wall trying to get one section of a piece just right, will say - 'Lets just drop it for a while. It doesn't seem to be flowing. Lets go on to something else.' And sure enough, in time, the inspiration for the difficult section will just pop in from somewhere and we realise that the struggle we were experiencing was simply an indication that we were on the wrong track.
And then there was yOni!
Working with the Voices of Gaia helped to prepare the ground for me to create yOni. I have never been so turned on to a creative project as when I first saw the vision of what yOni could be. It felt as if my whole life.. all the different jobs I'd done, paths I'd taken and people I had met, all suddenly made perfect sense as stepping stones to prepare me to do this piece of work. And to create her I felt clear, I would have no choice but to embody 'the feminine way'.
After a few false starts involving lists and priorities and pressure, I gave myself permission to do whatever I wanted to do. It was wonderful. If I woke in the morning, as I did many mornings with ideas in my head that couldn't wait to be spilled out on the computer ... then great. But if I woke in the morning wanting to spend the day on the beach, or hanging out with friends in a cafe ... then great too. As often as not I would meet someone on the beach or in the cafe who wrote or painted, or had a contact or some thing to offer to yOni.
Of course I lost it time and time again, but each time the pressure of the shoulds and the have tos built up I would manage to bring my focus back to 'what do I feel like doing now?' and ... everything would start to flow once more.
It was kind of terrifying. The little voices in my head would yak on ~ this can't last ~ what do you think you are doing ~ this will NEVER work. But again and again my body brought me back. I found that if I tried to push too hard, my body would stop me in my tracks with the threat of sickness and I would simply be forced to relax for a day or two.
The time approached that I wanted to go on-line. My rational mind would continually come up with things that had to be done now .... 'No really this just has to be done now.. the holiday is over... you can't go out in the world with this thing unless you do this NOW!'
Time after time I proved it wrong, persuading myself to jump off the roller coaster and do whatever felt good to do. The miracle of it is that again and again.. those crucial things do get done. Maybe an hour or so later than the deadline... when it feels good to do them... but then, hey ...the person for whom they needed to be ready rang at the last moment to say they would be late. Almost inevitably the deadlines and have tos, however real they feel to me, turn out to be fictitious in the flow of events.
I feel as if I have found the answer to my question. The feminine way of creating something is to allow it to happen. Yes the seed must be there, the desire, the vision and the intention to create. But rather than following it through with effort and force of will, I have been able to adopt a methodology of relaxing, letting go and allowing the creative process to happen.
When I started this quest I searched for models and guidelines to show me what the feminine way of creating would look like. I felt as if I could find none. A few days ago I realised as I gazed at my friends, beautiful, rounded, pregnant belly, that of course we have a model. The female is by very nature a creatrix. We create new life, growing it in our belly. But do we wake in the morning and check on our list of body parts.. and say
... Right I think I'd better get working on the left knee-cap today?
No! We create at our best by asking ourselves. what feels good right now? How can I nourish myself best right now. And the miracle of existence takes care of the rest.
yOni now blogging at cliterallyspeaking.blogspot.com
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